1. Children refuse to latch onto nipples that are attached to tits the size of soccer balls…
2. So several times a day I attach myself to this classy machine that pumps the boob juice out so I can bottle feed.
3. I am, in fact, a dairy cow.
4. I am, in fact, strangely okay with this.
5. If That Guy I Married knows my tits are full and I need to pump, there’s a better than fair chance he’s going to grab a tit with both hands and shake it.
6. I am, in fact, not o-fucking-kay with this.
7. After spending thirty minutes hooked up to a breast pump, if I flashed you my nips you could easily confuse them with McNuggets.
8. Squirting people with boob juice is hilarious, but only to me.
9. If I squirt TGIM straight from my titty arsenal, he thinks he has the right to take a bottle and squirt me back.
10. I am also not fucking okay with this.
11. I MADE THE WEAPON. I HAVE THE MONOPOLY ON SQUIRTING.
12. Dick.
13. Juicing my knockers seems way more effective than cardio. Just ask the forty four pounds I’ve dropped since the glorious c-section.
14. So what if ten of those pounds were baby? SO THE FUCK WHAT?
15. It still counts.
16. If God were real, he wouldn’t allow caffeine or amphetamines to be excreted into breastmilk.
17. See also: alcohol.
18. Seriously, if there were ever a time in your life when you needed to abuse uppers, wouldn’t it be when you have a newborn who needs to be nurtured during totally unreasonable hours?
19. And if there were ever a time when drunkenness was necessary, wouldn’t you assume it followed nine long months of sobriety and accompanied the gravity and stress of being responsible for the total well-being of another (quite needy) person?
20. I mean, come on.
16 and 17. yes.
ReplyDeleteThankfully my almost 2 month old accepts boobs the size of soccer balls, and I only have to attach myself to the pump if I feel like saving some extra boob juice "just in case.."
ReplyDeleteAlso, my kids are 11 months apart-- I've been fucking sober for 2 fucking years. Fuck.